Just Ride.
(Please note that this post was written on May 20, 2004)
Good news, everyone! The Rob Mob is back in business. Or the Lynn.. uh... Flynn. Hell, let's just include them both and call it the Hart Mart, okay? ANYWAYS, the Hart Mart, as it henceforth shall be called, is now the number one seller of dreadlock... wax? in the Rocky Mountain House area and is willing to supply your every dreadlock need. Git dem natty dreads, mon! Irie! Okay, okay, i'll stop before I embarass myself further. But it's good to see Rob (and Lynn; don't forget Lynn, dammit) back in business. So, with their future in mind, I therefore declare this to be the Year of the Snow Cult. Well, on my page at least. Which will get the message out to my whopping ten unique visitors. All right, so it's an empty fucking gesture! What, are you doing anything better? WHO THE HELL ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!
...
So, to help out all of you who are lost as to what this business is and who these people are, I present to you:
The Immaculate Conception
"Lo! Dost thou hear the wind? Dost thou feel the shiver it imparts down thy spine? All's Wintered Eve comes! Prepare thouself, for long months of agony. The chill hardens the very marrow of bones; the eyes and lips turn to cold stone. Alas, the world of man suffers not alone. For in the merciless nights, the beasts fare no better than men under winter's harsh gaze. Nature is robbed of her beauty; there is only an endless white sea to behold. All things who dwell in these afflicted lands suffer. Oh thou naked man, oh thou shivering beast; how I long to clasp thee to mine bosom in the passionate fire of mine embrace!"
-- Lord Quincy; 1420
"A wint'ry doom has befallen our lands since the dawn of time itself. It retreats from the power of spring's warmth only to conquer again at autumn's finish. But its tyranny will soon be at an end. For in the snowflakes I have divined the coming of a conquering army, destined to make the winters their own! These good and noble-hearted souls will glide upon the very snow itself, illuminating the path upon which humanity will march itself to freedom. I must make haste to the Norwegian mountains, where I am assured by my good friend Heinrich, who has assisted me thus far in my research, that I will discover the rest of the prophecy. It pains me to leave my beautiful wife behind, but Heinrich has insisted that he look after her while I'm gone, so I know that she will be well taken care of. At the stirring of the morn, it is off to Norway I go!"
-- Sir Adelbaird Quincy; 1745
(British crackpot found frozen to death. A Mr. and Mrs. Heinrich Stoller will arrive in a month's time to claim the body on behalf of the Queen.)*
-- Norwegian Telegram; 1747
*Translated from original Norwegian
"A pox on the usurping Stollers! They are the malicious beasts who condemned my uncle to lifetimes of ridicule upon his death. And now mankind is not prepared to face down perhaps its greatest foe. I have continued my uncle's research, and discovered that this army is not here to save; rather, to enslave! Plucked from the very bosom of the traitorous pagan god, Ularr, they will wreak unthinkable havoc upon this world. Unholy terrors! Robbed of their very wit and will by a sacred sacrificial plant, they will erode the morality and decency which keeps our society together. The arrival of these perverted Lotus Eaters is not the worst to come, however. Soon afterwards, one will rise from their ranks who will unite them all under a common banner. This cult, this Snow Cult will then rule the Earth as they see fit. We are doomed, doomed I say, doomed to an eternal winter!"
-- H. P. Quincy; 1863
"Hey! You know what would be a good name for my snowboard brand? Snow Cult!"
-- Rob Hart; 1999
"And so, the child of man and Ularr revealed himself to humanity at the turn of the millennium. He began to spread his tidings of love, respect and peace, but was quickly brought to an end by his own personal Judas. All was not lost, however, for he had once discovered a maiden fair and introduced her to his ways. Through their combined strength and love he was resurrected once again to preach to the masses. He is long gone from this world, but his spirit still lingers to guide and teach us. Praise be to Ularr! Praise be to Rob! Praise be to Lynn! Now step forward for your ceremonial toke and dreadlock waxing. Then let's RIDE!"
-- Mass on October 18 at a Snocultian Temple; 2545
There! I hope that clears everything up. Now you know all there is to know about Rob and Lynn's business.
"Man, I have too much time on my hands."
-- Joel Nielsen; 2004
P.S. I am not a fanatic. Love, Joel.
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