Random Musings from a Broken Man

Instead of the usual three sentence posts I've been fond of making lately I've decided to make one with a whole bunch of random ideas that would normally receive posts of their own. So now, you get a whole smorgasbord of Joel-y wisdom that'll brighten your day and you know, just improve your quality of life in general.

I love how the ads at the top of my blog change according to the crap I write. I typically get ads for psychics, which means even Blogspot thinks I'm a spoony bastard.

Somebody once came in the store wearing a shirt that says "You Don't Know It, But I'm Right In Front Of You!". It's a damn good thing I don't get high on the job because I'd be thinking about that for hours.

Best customer exchange ever:

Me: Would you like a bag, sir?
Customer: No thank you. (points at wife) I've already got one.

A dad and son came in after a soccer game to buy slushes. As most fathers would be apt to do, this one was trying his best to offer his son some pointers on soccer technique. The one he emphasized the most was "Think Soccer!" Goddamn it, that's all you need to do? Manchester United, here I come!

There is a printed warning on the back of Stewart's Root Beer, which says not to point the bottle at your face while you open it, lest you get a cap embedded in your skull. To be frank, this isn't even close to being one of the most useless warning labels ever made. But the fact that it exists, and considering all the furor over Big Fat and Big Sugar (the titanic corporate entity, not the band) it's only a matter of time before all packaged foodstuffs and beveragestuffs come with "WARNING: CONSUME AT YOUR OWN RISK" slapped on the front. Beware of food!

Speaking of Big Sugar (the Canadian band) I would like to suggest to the area's radio stations to STOP PLAYING THEM! I've heard that infernal "Don't Say It's Over" song so many times over my illustrious career as a counter monkey I've managed to create a dance routine for it. And yet, no one will ever see it. I have mixed feelings about this.

Although I'm loathe to say it, I urge all of you to rediscover the wonderful wonderfulness of strawberry ice cream. Just don't get it from my store, or I'll shatter your soul with my trademarked Vision-O-Rage. And for my vegan readers, may I suggest a nice tofutti?

Please read my early posts; I know my posts of late have had all the substance of a popcorn fart, but I actually put some time and effort into crafting the earlier ones. I'd hate to think it went to waste. Give my life meaning, damn you!

Fun fact: Dane has met Neil Diamond. I suggest you give him all the deference he's due from this. In contrast, the most famous person I've ever met was the lead singer of Canada's own Zuckerbaby, which by a stunning coincidence is now defunct. Well, I didn't MEET him per se, he just happened to be working at the downtown HMV in Calgary while I was browsing for CDs. Upon us noticing each other, I looked at him with bewilderment and he looked at me with fear in his eyes. Then he went to price stock on the other side of the store. But that's the dark underbelly of CanCon for you: A guy gets tons of radio airplay and heavy rotation on Muchmusic, and he ends up fartin' around in an HMV between albums. Next up: the revelation that Tom Cochrane is disguised as the Deputy Prime Minister of Canada.

Delving further into the subject of Canadian music, I have an annoucement to make: I like Bran Van 3000. My level of like is so freakin' high it might better be classified as love. If Bran Van 3000 was a woman instead of a kick-ass musical collective, I would ask for her hand in marriage. Now, there will be three reactions to this news. Some of you will admit that they are, at the very least, decent. Some of you are asking what the hell a Bran Van 3000 is. And the rest of you aren't reading this anyway, because you're rolling around on the floor laughing. Now, lest you confuse my intentions, I am not "admitting" this. Listening to their music is not a guilty pleasure. It is not one of those so bad it's good things. I emphatically enjoy their music, and damn them that thinks that's sad and wrong. In fact, if you're thinking of deriding me for it, please note that I'm more than willing to go to Vancouver, Edmonton, Texas, or where the hell ever and kick your ass (or more realistically, get my ass kicked) for both my sake and the sake of a band that doesn't know that I exist. God help you if you even hint at the term "one hit wonder". But considering how small my readership is, the most that's probably going to happen is that Dane and I will get into a sissy slapfight.

JOEL v0.00001
DEFENSIVE MODE=0
INITIATING SHUTDOWN... DONE
HAVE A NICE DAY