911 is a joke! Get it? Huh? Funny, isn't it? Boy, I'm clever! And awesome! And perfect, and...

It just dawned on me that I've heard that overused "What's the number for 911?!" gag so many times that when the day comes that I need to use the service myself, I'm going to shout it out in reflex. I've heard it on the Simpsons, in the movie Idle Hands, and I'm pretty sure it's been the punchline in a blonde / redneck / Polish / insert unrespected group name here joke. It's one of those timeworn comedy clichés, like fat people farting or... dammit, can't think of another one. But still, let the madness stop, please? If you're writing something that has a moron calling for help, don't feel the need to include the old workhorse. Have him call 912, which is the unwed rapper suicide hotline instead.

If you can tell me what I'm referencing there, I'll fly down to where you live and personally peel and feed you grapes. Women only, please. No fatties.