The Thunderstorm Diaries

PART 1: The Announcement

Joel: (singing)

Mop, mop, mop, all day long
Mop, mop, mop while I sing this song
Gonna mop the floor, gonna make it shine
Then I'm going to go huff some turpentine...

Radio: (song playing)

I'm gonna run to you
If the feelings right, I'm gonna...SQUEEEEEEEE!

(siren goes on for twenty minutes)

Frantic Radio Woman: OH FUCK! This is the Alberta Emergency Broadcast System! This is not a fucking test! Here's Environment Canada! AAAAGH!

Scientist: Yo. Heavy shit goin' down near Lacombe and Gull Lake. Lotsa tornadoes be touching down. They headin' to Ponoka to fuck shit up old school. Foshizzle.

Frantic Radio Woman: We're doomed! DOOMED! This is the New Perfect Storm! So don't use the phone! Bye!

Joel: 'Hwell! Now there's a fine how-do-you-do!

PART 2: Inner Monologue

Man, the store is really dead. This is cool. Now I'm here all by myself! No customers! Whooopeee! Hmmm... what should I do... oh wait, here comes somebody. What a stupid asshole. What is he doing here? Doesn't he realize it's raining right now? Stay home, you fucking douchebag!

Joel: Good evening, sir!
Customer:Grunt.

Fuck you! I was all set to have a gay old time, and you had to come and ruin everything! I hate you! I hate you, stupid dickhead! Die! DIE DIE DIE!

Customer: How much is a bottle of Pepsi?
Joel: (cheery) $1.67, sir!
Customer: Oh.

What, is our Pepsi too expensive for you, cock-smoker? Huh! Stupid whiny bitch! I'm sick of your bullshit! Oh, I see you're done now. About fucking time. Dumbass.

Customer: Well, that should be everything. Oh man, is it ever wet outside!

No. Fucking. Shit!

Joel: Here's your change, here's your bag; thank you, and have yourself a good night!
Customer: See ya! You too!

Asshole. Well, maybe I'll check out the blogs. Oh. Wait. They said not to use the phone! NOOOO!

PART 3: Amusement

Joel: (singing and dancing)

Macho, Macho Man!
I want to be a Macho Man...

Customer: Um, hello?

Shit!

PART 4: An Open Letter

Dear Weather,

Everybody complains about the weather, but nobody does anything about it. Well, I'm writing tonight to change all that. Tonight, there was yet another thunderstorm in the Rocky area. That's not what I have a problem with. What I have a problem with is that you decided to send it away with two hours left on my shift. Let me explain something about humanity; we don't appreciate something until it's taken away. Since most of the people in this town are hydrophobic weiners, you severely limited the movement of a good number of our population. I'm actually kind of fond of this, being that less people moving around means less people harassing me over junk food. But once the rain stopped, all these people who were sitting inside decided they would enjoy their new-found "freedom" to move about. Therefore, on top of the typical rush I get during the last two hours, I also had to deal with an influx of said hydrophobic weiners. I would appreciate it if next time you decide to throw a storm at us you would keep it going until after closing time.

Sincerely,

Joel