The Art of the Deal

Oh goody. My employer - Rolf B. of Rolf's Groceries - has decided to go into the tacky tchotchke business. As of yesterday, we're now proudly displaying on our front counter those wonderful Novelty Flashers! And by that I mean little pins that flash blue and red light, not a group of perverts in trenchcoats modelling multi-colored condoms. But still! You can buy them in the shape of guitars, cowboy boots, ladybugs, and even dolphins! Woo!

One question: Is it true that the image of a dolphin is worn by women to symbolize they've gone over a certain number of sexual partners? I heard that a few years ago and I've always wondered if it's true. Not that I expect to be let in on the secret Code of the Female or anything...

Okay, I think I'm gonna take down that Novelty Flasher display. I've been here for only two hours and every customer so far has delayed their walking out the door so they can fawn over it like a stoned moth. But why am I so hostile to the beloved Novelty Flasher? After all, it says right on the display that it's "Great for Dances, Parties, Night Fun...". Well, if your "Night Fun" consists of inducing seizures in epileptics out for a stroll, then by all means! Seriously, if you buy one of these things when you're well out of your pubescent period, you're making the case for the return of government-sponsored eugenics that much stronger.

What's that you're saying? Ah hell, you got me. The only reason I'm so cranky about these new gidgets is because I can't seem to decide between the Canadian Flag flasher and the Smiley Face flasher. Goddamn it, the choice is driving me mad!

Note: If you read the Eugenics link, you'll find proof that we Canadians are not all smiles and maple syrup...