A Day in the Life

Well, I suppose when you have one of these blog-ma-bobs it's necessary to post all the tedious tid-bits that make up your travels. Just so I don't have to do this ever again I've decided to post a breakdown of my average day. Stand back from your computer screen, don't look directly at it, and prepare to be dazzled!

10:00 A.M. - Day starts. My day, anyway. Yes, while you poor bastards have been slaving away for two hours, I am nice and cozy in my bed with a cat by my side. Ha ha!

10:15 A.M. - Breakfast!

10:30 A.M. - Daytime T.V!

10:33 A.M. - Since daytime television sucks, I switch it off. The next three and a half hours, who the hell knows. It's occupied by anything from taking Ben the dog out for a walk, annoying the ducks, doing chores (HA!), watching Mr. Show for the bazillionth time, watching Mr. Show with commentary, watching Mr. Show extras, corrupting my brain with video games, increasing my knowledge of C++ and HTML, and perhaps cooking. Maybe some macramé if I'm feeling salty.

2:00 P.M. - If I didn't get enough sleep the night before it's time for my afternoon nap. Yes, the Sandman visits me twice in one day! Aren't I lucky?

4:00 P.M. - Oops, play-time's over. Time to put on my game face. Any trace of mirth sinks back into my pores, because it's not going to be needed for the next seven hours.

4:30 P.M. - I mount my mighty blue stallion and soar to work on the wings of children's dreams.

5:00 P.M. - The dreams turn into nightmares, for I am back at Rolf's Groceries. For the next eon or so I am the public's bitch. Yes, a bitch. Horny parents sic their sugar-starved kids on me with twenty bucks in their sweaty, greasy grasp. The village idiots pore over the bags of chips, hoping to find the brand and flavor which defines them as people. Nicotine-addled fools beg me to front them a package of cigarettes until payday, even though their kids haven't eaten for a week. And through it all there's me, tapping out telegrams from the frontlines of cultural armageddon.

11:00 P.M. - The store closes. This particular eon lasted around six hours; rather piddling by eon standards, but not if you were there living it. Rope up the cash, sling it in the back, toss off a rough estimate of how much money we lost, and there we go! Work's done! Oh yeah, the cleaning. Then I'm done. Wait, the tapes for the security cameras! And then... fuck it, I'm never done. But let's pretend, shall we? I'm doing a damn fine job of it already. It's my peaceful and solitudinal computer time next. Ah yes! Unlimited access to the entire breadth of knowledge transcribed by mankind! So what if I use it for porn?

3:00 A.M. - Depending on whatever the fuck I was doing (or watching!) I'm usually back at home around 2:00 A.M. At which point I'm practically attacked by my attention starved cat, at least until I open my bedroom window, at which point she couldn't give a crap about me. I swear, she's more interested in sniffing the window-screen than eating, sometimes. So, once I've regained my peace, I read from the selection of books I've got going at the same time. Around 3:00 A.M. I drift off to sleep and dream about vampire puppies.