Behind the Candy

As you all should be aware of by now, I am one of the few, the proud, the convenient. Yep, I am one those busy worker bees who help to maintain the hallowed tradition known as the corner store, and I am wholly committed to the ideals that come with it; namely, to be as surly and indifferent as possible. What you probably don't know (which consists of too many things to list at this point, so I'll be confining myself to only one) is that my boss prides himself on having the largest candy selection in our town. Frankly, this doesn't require a lot of effort considering that our town is not that big; all he'd have to do is order a few extra boxes of Mars bars to comfortably claim that title. But no, he's wholly dedicated to stocking his shelves with a wide variety of candy. Much to my chagrin, but that's besides the point, isn't it? After all, what's the well-being of your employees compared to the opportunity to wrest change from the sweaty hands of children and warp their fragile minds in the process?

Yes, that's right, warp their fragile minds. Seriously, have you taken a walk through a candy aisle, lately? The tawdriness on display is fucking unbelievable! Don't believe me? Then consider:

Tongue Splashers - Lord almighty.
Push Pop and Flash Pop - Why can't kids leave their dad alone?
Soft Baby - Excuse me?
YumYum Giraffe - Alrighty then.
Yu-Gi-Oh! - What the hell is this, some kind of tantric sex cry?

Look at the messages being sent to children! References to oral sex, father abuse, pedophilia and bestiality flourish like dandelions. These, however, are a far cry from the worst offender I've seen. No, that title belongs to a recent addition to our Aisle of Shame; a one-way ticket to Sodom and Gomorrah if I've ever seen one. Gaze upon the unholy terror of the 'Lil Squirts!

The picture may be of a profoundly shitty quality, but this is the best I could find on the company website. But really, can you blame them for not wanting a clear picture available? Suggestive name aside, the box art is utterly atrocious. What are they trying to convey here? It seems they're saying all Little Johnny has to do is squirt "candy" from a phallic fruit into his mouth and he'll be transported to an hallucenogenic paradise where grapes with pinwheels and parasol-sporting strawberries frolic. Hah! Next thing you know, Little Johnny's suckin' cock to support his more frequent visits to the Altered State of Druggachusettes! At this point you're shaking in an uncontrollable rage, no doubt. Or feverishly masturbating. One of the two. So, my non-perverted readers, you know what you must do! It's time to take it to the streets! It's time to strike these bastards where it hurts the most! It's time to find these evil candy executives and cut off their penises!

Viva!

This post has been brought to you by Joel. Joel! Surreptitiously aiding the moral decline since 1979!